Random Thoughts

One of my favourite stories is the Nambudiri Funda. What does that title mean?!!? Funda is short for "Fundamental", that means it is a fundamental truth. Nambudiri are Brahmin priests from Kerala in South India. A Nambudiri was walking along the riverbank when he saw a Mahout giving his elephant a bath. He went up to the Mahout and said "I have always wanted an elephant, can you give me yours." The Mahout said "Nambudiri, the elephant is my only source of income and I use the income to feed my wife and many children, I am sorry but I cannot give you this elephant". The Nambudiri patiently listened to the Mahout and calmly proceeded along the river. A man was walking behind the Nambudiri and observed the whole incident, he came up to the Nambudiri and asked him "Nambudiri, How can you just ask for an elephant, did you really expect the Mahout to agree." The Nambudiri smiled and said "I did not own an elephant and the Mahout said ...

In the last two posts I discussed  how The Fundamental Attribution Error and Confirmation Bias form a dangerous pair, creating a negative image of your spouse in your mind. This pair affects all 'ongoing' relationships, including your relationship with your colleagues. I chanced upon a wonderful book called Miller's Bolt by Thomas Stirr . It is about a process for improving relationships with colleagues. But it is very general and can be used in all circumstances. Some key insights from the book. First In Patiala in India some years back the police tattooed 'jeb katri' or 'pickpocket' on the foreheads of a few women. Imagine you are chatting with somebody who has pickpocket tattooed on their forehead. Will it affect your behavior? In most cases - yes. We put a negative label on our spouses, affecting our behavior with them, and they do the same. It is a vicious cycle. The ONLY way to break out of this vicious cycle is you take a decision to chang...

Sometime back I wrote an post called Accepting Your Wife in Marriage . There was a critical step mentioned in that post - You " accept" a person warts and all. This is difficult. I already wrote about how The Fundamental Attribution Error makes you create a negative image about other people. That is just the beginning. Carry out an experiment. Ask somebody to count the number of black cars they see during a trip, maybe on their drive to office. After they are done telling you how many black cars they saw, ask them how many red cars they saw. Most people will not be able to answer. There is a famous video of people passing a basketball , if you have already seen that, try this one . I tried the second video on Vandana, she definitely has an eagle eye :-) Your brain only notices things that it has been sensitized to notice. What does this means in relationships? Once you believe your spouse behaves in a particular way, your brain will only notice behavior that confir...